Semantics

When I was back in {City}, W. told me that he loved me. I was surprised, but I didn't take it personally, as I think what he means by love and what I mean by love are two entirely different things, and I think his meaning of love means "I am infatuated with you, I feel comfortable sharing with you, I enjoy talking about books with you, and also I want to sleep with you but in no way does this imply any sort of trust, responsibility, or commitment." In simple terms, I think his version of love means he feels warm and fuzzy around me.

I have more commitment from my cats. So. Fine. I've been doing my own thing, not worrying about W. for a while. Then tonight {The Ex} called, and while [fine] it was also traumatic. Dredging up sewage. Maybe all that will be healing someday, but for now it's just gross. It's gross.

I posted this to Facebook: "Well, it seems to me that all healing is the work of love, because all healing takes place in a context where we wish to promote growth. We wish to engage the organism in ways that people grow stronger. I find myself telling people that my wish for the rest of my life is that all the work I do would be about healing. I want people to heal." -bell hooks

W., whom I haven't heard from in a while, texted me. He is uncomfortable with other people having uncomfortable feelings, so when I responded to his are-you-ok with a no, he said he wanted to turn into a dancing bear t0 amuse me out of my sadness, but he didn't ask any particulars. (Don't go to the hardware store for bread...)

But at the end of the convo he said: "It would be disingenuous of me to say that I love you. But please know that I am sending love your way, and hoping you have a better day tomorrow."

Words are so important. I would rather have a friend send love, than say he loves me. I would rather have a friend who knows that there's a difference, and that it's an important one.