I know what it's like to be on the other end -- to have someone try to fill their emptiness with you. It's exhausting. I know now that I had my own issues to work on (that I am still working on) that would draw me to such a person and not even see red flags waving all over the place. I know my ex was afraid that his libido was too much, and that would drive me away. I broke up with him a few times, the reason being that I found him exhausting. Why does one stay? Because if one is so broken down oneself that when faced with someone that seems to need you that much and they are so sweet and good to you on a day-to-day level (love-bombing, seduction-bombing, become Mr. or Mrs. Wonderful to distract you and dispel doubt) that you think, "This one really loves me. This one will never leave me." You're tired, but you can't even imagine someone else being that good to you.
So then love is a game of playing not to lose, instead of to win.
And it was so wonderful on a day to day level, or it felt wonderful, even if it was eating me alive. I remember telling someone, "You know how some ants keep aphids like cattle? They drug them and then feed on them? That's what it felt like. I was inside of some cozy narcotic fog, slowly being drained, and I knew something was wrong, but I couldn't wake up out of my fog to see it." Every time I woke up with a weird dream, or had some sudden instant knowing I'd come home and there'd be a bath drawn for me with lavender in it and lit candles, or fresh rose petals in between the sheets to surprise me when I got into bed. Love letters. Something. And I'd feel like a cold, mistrusting idiot for having doubted him. I guess maybe I have some sort of love addiction issues if I can describe a past relationship as a cozy narcotic fog. It was like being on codeine, only I wasn't on any drugs.
It's not real, the love- and seduction-bombing. It's not real. None of it.
Having grown up in a dysfunctional family, I don't often know what normal is. Having had no experience with it, I have to make up a healthy normal exist on my own. Or, better, learn how to be sane in COSA and Al-Anon.
I have a new friend who thinks that she might be a sex and love addict. I told her about my ex, and she identified with all the things he used to say and do. She kept saying, "But I had to do that! I had to!" And I said, "Did you really? What about x, y, and z? What about other options?" And she quited and said, "It felt like I had to all the time. I thought nobody would get hurt."
I don't quite know what to do with this new friend. If she thinks she's a sex addict, and she's not in recovery...she might not be the best person for me to be around. And I'd NEVER feel comfortable bringing a boyfriend around her. I don't judge her at all, its strange. She'd say, "Every time I'd say this or that to a guy, I really meant it! I really meant it at the time!" And I'd say of course you meant it. That's why you people are such good liars. Because you fully believe in what you are saying at any given moment.
How is this all related to the Anthony Weiner scandal, you ask. Well, now that I've had some insight into the weird logic of a sex and love addict (thank you, recovery bloggers), I'm a lot less judgmental. And Anthony Weiner was/is an awesome and awesomely outspoken Congressman. And now he has just hobbled himself and his mayoral prospects with his actions, and it's so sad. He was the front-runner to be the next Mayor of NYC, and now he's not even got a chance, and so WE'VE lost out, we, the citizens of New York, are all affected by his behavior. It's enough to want to say, oh, overlook these peccadilloes, just give me the mayor I want. But if it progressed. If it progresses. And addictions always progress. How effective would he be, more on the make than he is now.
I don't know. I don't know. Clinton stayed in office. But that was a wake-up call. I don't know.
