Focusing on my serenity

I realize that I've been posting a lot about {The Ex}, so I should probably turn the focus back to me, and my program. I went to three meetings yesterday, to make 8 for 8 for my 90 in 90 (Ninety meetings in ninety days). I've been feeling off forever...not lined up with my Higher Power, in a lot of anxiety, eating a lot of sugar and wheat, unable to sleep, avoiding people. Haven't been doing yoga. Haven't been taking care of me. I think the 90 in 90 will help turn the focus back on me, and get me back to serenity.

I feel a lot of grief, and I hate it. I stuffed down that grief for weeks, because I was/am so angry. I judged myself for needing to shed tears over someone who betrayed me. But maybe it's not me crying for him...maybe it's me crying for me. My sponsor said that I was probably also grieving over the dreams of the life we were going to build together, grieving the loss of those dreams. Yes. And grieving for the dreams I gave up, or deferred. I kept deferring my dreams for him because he asked me to. I grieve that naive little girl that I was, so dazzled by a bouquet of flowers, having never gotten flowers before from anyone but myself.

judge the quality of the lover by the love of the giver, not the gift of the lover

I really don't know how long it will take to get past all of this grief. After I talked to {The Ex} it felt like it had right after we broke up -- I curled up into a little ball and started weeping hysterically. I didn't eat at all that day. I wish we had rituals for grief. I wish we could mourn a relationship like we mourned death. I wish I could wear black. I still have fun. I go on dates. I watch comedies. I'm not going to be eaten alive by this again.