Bird Imagery

The Ex called today. To "apologize and fully own up" to what he had done, and to tell me the truth, even though I already knew it, to hear it from him.

It was fine. I mean, it was traumatic, but I didn't hear anything I didn't know. I asked for specific names, and for dates. He started dating a woman on the side, whose name I know now, five months before we broke up. In June 2008 I told him that I did not want to live in {City} anymore, that I was going to move to NYC, that I had the money and I would do it on my own. He begged and pleaded for me to stay, and promised that we would go together. On my next trip, I came back with all of this I Heart NY stuff, and while I was gone (for 48 hours) he sent me the following poem. He kept asking me why I didn't just leave him (and this was before I knew anything), and if I did make movements to leave him he begged and pleaded me to stay, and pulled out calendars and promised to make good on the move, all the while biding his time to line up Vanilla Perfume.

The apology was...fine. But too late. You can sleep upon my doorstep/ you can offer me indifference, Jim./ But my mind is made up/ and I'll never let you in again. It was okay. He talked about his sponsor. But he didn't tell me the full truth. I know there are more women. There's at least one more, and when I asked about her, he said there weren't any. And he wouldn't budge on that. And when I asked if he wanted to tell me that, since he was "coming completely clean", he got defensive and said, "Well, let me ask YOU if there's..." and then he took a breath, and said nevermind. So homeboy was about to ask me if I'd had anyone on the side. Right. The answer is no. And then, before I got off the phone he said that he "hoped I'd find it in my heart to forgive him, less for his sake than my own."

Right. SAs. This is not a good amends. It's shit. It's really lame.

Anyway, this was the poem he sent me right before we had our last fight about NY. When he sent me this, he was already on the lookout for the next blind lady who wanted to buy a bridge:

Under a cherry tree

I found a robin's egg,

broken, but not shattered.

I had been thinking of you,

and was kneeling in the grass

among fallen blossoms

When I saw a blue scrap,

a delicate toy, as light

as confetti

It didn't seem real,

but nature will do such things

from time to time.

I looked inside:

it was glistening, hollow,

a perfect shell

Except for the missing crown,

which made it possible

to look inside.

What had been there

is gone now

and lives in my heart

Where, periodically,

it opens up its wings,

tearing me apart.

Phillis Levin