Somebody at Sunrise Be Distraught For Love of Me

"Somebody at sunset call my name." -Stephen Dunn

In a way, I guess I got exactly what I wanted.

I remember the first time I saw "The Pillowbook." Nagiko's lover Jerome takes her book (written on his body) to a publisher, and schtups him. Nagiko is furious, and refuses to see Jerome again. He ends up at her door, distraught for love of her. He pounds on her door, begging and pleading to be let in. She stands in her apartment, listening to him beg and weep and wail her name and pounding on the door, but she is silent, with tears streaming down her face. Can't let him in. Can't let him know she's there. She hurts so bad, but she knows if she opens the door she'll hurt worse, but she loves him, so she hurts to hear him in so much pain.

{Oh, what a tangled web we weave.}

And this is what my brain went , "What would it be like to have someone love me like that?"

Horrible. I'll tell you what it's like. It's horrible. What I failed to notice was how distinctly fucked up they were.

{The Ex} used to drive me nuts, always saying that I was going to leave him for a banker (all the while fucking other women behind my back), and when I would get fed up with it, and be totally emotionally exhausted and depleted that I would say, "Fine. You're right. I can't do this anymore. I'm too tired. Fine. You're right. I *do* want to see other people. This isn't fun anymore," he'd beg and plead and weep and tell me exactly what I wanted to hear and say no don't leave me please don't leave me don't leave me don't leave me don't leave me. The longest I think I ever left him for was about 24 hours, but I didn't really leave him. I think we broke up, slept in the same bed, got up, had breakfast the next day, went on a 10-mile run together, planned the logistics of our break-up on the run (this is what will happen with your stuff, this is what will happen with mine), I got on a bus back to {Dream City} and by nightfall we had gotten back together.

And say out loud, somebody at sunrise be distraught for love of me. Somebody at sunset call my name.

It's not love. It's neediness. It's like how it says in Revolutionary Road. Our weaknesses fit together almost perfectly. La Doleur Exquise. It's not love. It's something else. Maybe there were moments of kindness and tenderness, but the rest was just energy vampirism.

I got that scene. I got it. Boyfriend. Betrayal. Discovery. Distress. Horrid.