Triggers

A young woman in a non-COSA program asked me to be her sponsor. I haven't finished all 12 steps, so I had to decline, but she does call me a lot. I was on the phone with her for a bit yesterday. She was freaked out something her ex-boyfriend did or didn't do...and what she came to realize is...that she's probably a sex addict. She's been keeping this guy on the backburner in case relationship with numero uno guy doesn't work out. I'd shared a bit about my ex, and she said, "I identify with everything he said and did." When she talks about her behavior, that embarrasses her and shames her, she keeps saying, "But I had to! I had to."

I've felt very serene and non-judgmental about all this -- and then there's a part of me that says run as fast as you can, an unrecovered SA, even a female one that looks like a friend, is very dangerous.

Why do I think that? She could never socialize with me outside of program. I could never introduce her to a boyfriend. Then there's another part of me that's like of course my new friend is an SA! They're so exciting and fun, that's why I'm drawn to them!

I don't know why I just thought of this, but Alexander McQueen's armadillo shoes just popped into my head. They are very bizarre and have 14" heels. FOURTEEN INCH HEELS. Models refused to wear them. Okay, you think most heels are painful? It is impossible to walk in the armadillos. They're insane. I don't even know why they're called shoes. They're weird foot-covering things. Better, they're foot-hobbling devices. Women went NUTS over these shoes. They totally harassed MCQ hq for them. Can you walk in them? No. Are they totally exciting and one-of-a-kind? Shoe addicts say yes.

My codie is saying that addicts are like these shoes. Unique, fun, flashy. Completely unworkable. (Addict in active addiction.)

So anyway, new friend thinks she's an addict, and I shared some SA/COSA blogs with her...and spent ALL OF LAST NIGHT catching up on new blog posts. I honestly hadn't thought about SA in a while. I've dated some boys of varying morality, but for the most part, they keep getting more and more honest. (I'm hoping that's a sign of the work I'm doing in program, I can only tolerate less and less of what I used to, and what used to be hidden is now openly talked about...and I say no to it. So. There we are.)

Don't know where I stand with this person. I hope she finds SA and gets wrapped up in it.

ALSO. {The Ex} rejoined Facebook and like 5000 of our old friends in [Old City] friended him, which kept (goddammit) showing up on my feed.

The evil enmeshed part of me keeps hoping that he'll ruin it all again, and find old ladyfriends to hook up with, and maybe some dude friends too, and that his girlfriend will kick him out. Bitter much? Sure. He's had a girlfriend (that he dated for the last five months of our relationship) for the past two and a half years (that he's cheated on), while I have been single and doing LOTS of soul searching. Ladies who stay with your men, I have no idea how you do it.