Dream

I'm now living in NYC -- where I always wanted to live when I was with {The Ex}. And it is WONDERFUL. Looking up to see the Chrysler Building, the Empire State building. Central Park. The NY Public Library. The giant Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center. I can now give detailed subway directions to almost anywhere in Manhattan. I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love with this city.

And yet something is missing, there is a void, that "God-shaped hole" as it were. I've slacked in my recovery. Everytime I go back something magical happens. Right now I have been glutting myself on movies, books, and Facebook. I've been dipping into my saving to pay for things like Amazon downloads that can wait until my next payday. For real. Compound interest, my friends.

I work too much and I'm burnt out. I've been sick for the past two weeks, and I finally took a sick day. I feel so disconnected from my Self. I need to go climbing, I need a massage, I need to be able to buy and prepare groceries for myself so I'm not ordering Chinese food in the middle of the night. Here I am, living the dream, and I'm tired. God, give me a sign. Give me a sign, give me a sign.

I watched 127 HOURS today, and it brought me to tears, the first time he cries for help and there is actually someone there, and they help him, these strangers, and he asks for precisely what he needs -- water, someone to run ahead to where they have cell service and can call for emergency services -- he asks for what he needs, he asks for help, and he has it. And there's this vision he has of a child, his future child, that keeps him alive, that keeps him going through starvation, thirst, and unimaginable pain. Every decision of his life led him to that boulder. He had chosen all of it, he said. Now that's radical acceptance.

I guess I chose {The Ex}. I chose him. It's true, actually. I made a list, and I ordered him up. I just forgot to put "faithful" on my list. And God gave me exactly what I needed to find a spiritual life.

I had a dream the other day, in the morning hours right before waking. In it all I was doing was weeping and weeping out of loneliness. I was dressed simply and casually, cords, hoodie, sneakers (not that I wear anything like that anymore) and I was curled into a little ball just hysterically crying out loneliness. And when I woke up, I knew that my dream was true, that I really was that lonely. And I don't know what to do about it except for go to meetings and find a sponsor. I have friends. I have a social life. I've been spending time with work friends, but I think they mostly lead me away from my true self, so I have been putting in some distance.

I saw in an earlier post that I had put a picture of my old apartment up. I had put a sign up that said, "I believe in you." Perhaps I ought to do that in my current apartment. I have very little faith in myself right now. I'm mostly just treading water and gasping for air.